March 14, 2010
Sermon #827
Part 3
The Marriage Journey
Tenderness in Trials
All marriages will go through trials
James 1:2 - 4 (NKJV) 2My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
ILL: The first trial of our marriage came very quickly. I rented a cottage from a retired chaplain and his wife in Macon, GA and paid two months rent in advance. Several days after we moved in, the chaplain's wife sent a man to tell us that Mary hanging out our clothes to dry was offensive to her and would not be allowed. We had no other way to dry the washing. A week later, a lawyer came to the cottage. He had an eviction notice. It seems that only I had signed the lease. So even though they knew we were newly married, Mary and the collie puppy I had given her would not be allowed to live on the premises. The next week we were homeless and broke. I found a fishing camp on a swamp lake that had a one room shack for rent. The woman who owned it was a retired madam from a house of prostitution. She let us move in with the promise that I would pay her the next month when I got paid. The swamp had alligators, snakes, and wild cats. The nearest telephone was a mile away. Mary had to stay there while I was at the air force base. She was 18 years old, away from home for the first time, and was living next door to a woman who made beer in her bathtub, had a slot machine in her doorway, and a male friend who lived across the lake. We finally moved into a two-room shack owned by the same lady. We lived there until after the birth of our first baby.
ILL: Our first home was an 8x28 ft. trailer. It had been built for the atomic bomb plant in Akin, SC. It had a thin sheet of lead inside the walls for protection against radiation. It was too heavy to be on the highway, especially on one axel attached to a Chevy coupe sitting on springs from a B-17 bomber. I had to roll it 90 miles per-hour down a hill to get enough power to make it up the next. It blew out both back tires at night with me looking at the tops of pine trees. The baby was thrown into the rear floor and Mary, my wife, passed out. We lived in that thing for four years. We became homeless again when I sold our first home to enter the ministry and moved back into what was little more than the first shack.
We have been:
- fired and without work two times (once in radio and one time in ministry)
- down to the last food in the house and no money to get any
- had a child attempt suicide
- been through the death of our first grandchild
- Mary has had heart surgery and cancer
- I've been attacked, threatened, and accused of everything I can think of
It is not trials that destroy a marriage but how you respond to them.
Respond slowly to perceived crises
James 1:19 - 20 (NKJV) 19So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
ILL: Early in our marriage, (the children were still just toddlers) I came to the site where we were building a house. The babies were in the yard and no one was with them. I picked them up and carried them to Mary's mother's house. Sometime later, Mary came in with one of her girl friends. I did not ask her for an explanation but started yelling at her and calling her bad names. She yelled back and I slapped her. Her father came in and I almost got into a fight with him. Things had really escalated and I stormed away. I had not been "slow to speak or slow to wrath." It could have destroyed our marriage and our love. Then, I discovered that Mary had not left the children unattended, my mother had. After a lot of humbling and asking for forgiveness, the relationship was healed. One of the things that will strengthen a marriage and love is tenderness in trials.
Kindness is communicating that someone is valuable through our actions
"Counting it all joy" is not giving someone a lecture about counting it joy. Men respond to a crisis by trying to do something to change it; women respond to a crisis by trying to cope with it.
A touch is the greatest communicator of love in a crisis
Matthew 8:1 - 3 (NKJV) 1When He had come down from the mountain, great multitudes followed Him.
2And behold, a leper came and worshiped Him, saying, "Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean."
3Then Jesus put out His hand and touched him, saying, "I am willing; be cleansed." Immediately his leprosy was cleansed.
- Touching
- Others
- Under
- Christ's
- Hand
ILL: One of the greatest things you can do in a crisis is to hold on to each other and by so doing communicate, "I am here for you."
Gary Smalley writes, "Meaningful touching outside the bedroom can light sparks in a marriage, and meaningful communication can fan the flames."
Learn to communicate
Matthew 21:21 (NKJV) 21So Jesus answered and said to them, "Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' it will be done.
ILL: What do you say to your mate – what do you say about your mate – your words can make or destroy your marriage!
ILL: The man told me, "Pastor, I know I can be a hot flame - but when I get home with my wife she hoses me off with her words and I wind up a dying ember. If she would only fan my fire with some encouraging words or a tender hug when I get home, I could burn as brightly as ever."
Men and Women communicate differently.
ILL: Mary and I are going somewhere, I am driving. Mary says, "You are going the long way – if you turn on such and such street and go to such and such place we will get there much sooner." She still doesn't understand what I hear is "You are incompetent you cannot even drive a car in Greensboro. I don't trust you to get us there!" Now, what she thought she was saying is, "I love you and care about you so I am offering to help." –but that is not what I hear!
- I have a GPS in by truck. It gives me directions in a female voice. I changed it; one woman at a time giving directions is enough!
Men do not ask for solutions, they do not ask for advice – and do not want it unless asked for. That's why when a man is lost he does not want to stop and ask for directions!
ILL: What a man will resist: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
- How can you think of buying that?
- There's a parking space over there, turn around.
- Don't put it there, it will get lost
- You forgot to bring it home(Mary told me to get a certain ham-I went three times and kept all three).
- You're driving too fast.
- Somebody drank from the juice bottle.
- Don't eat with your fingers.
- Those potato chips are too greasy; they're not good for you.
- Your shirt doesn't match your pants.
ILL: What a woman will resist
- You shouldn't worry so much.
- But that is not what I said.
- It's not a big deal.
- Ok, I'm sorry, now can we forget it?
- But we do talk.
- You shouldn't feel hurt.
- All right I'll clean up the back yard. Does that make you happy?
- From now on, I will handle it.
- Of course I care about you.
ILL: Whatever you do, do not talk negatively about your spouse to someone else. A couple started counseling their friends about marriage problems, then started agreeing with them that they had the same problems with their own spouses. Guess who got the divorce!
Working to keep your garden (marriage)
Psalm 128:1 - 4 (NKJV) 1Blessed is every one who fears the Lord, who walks in His ways. 2When you eat the labor of your hands, You shall be happy, and it shall be well with you. 3Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, your children like olive plants all around your table. 4Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.
Your family life, marriage, is like a garden! How do you get a garden to grow?
- You have to understand it – you cannot just go out and throw out a bunch of seeds
ILL: Men think the more seeds the better – if something is big, extravagant, expensive, it should get a lot of love points. Men want to be successful. They believe then they will have earned love points. I told you how terrible that I am with mechanical things. Well, this week Mary's tractor would not start. I bought a new battery and put in on the tractor – it still would not start. I tested everything – I pushed, I pulled, I crawled under and found a loose connection – It started! Yes! 100 love points! No – Women give one love point per event! Women plant seeds one at a time!
ILL: Love Points are hard to get and easy to lose.
- You have to work on the soil and give it the right fertilizer
ILL: Every year Mary has me mix leaves and compost to get the soil right.
- You have to plant the right seed at the right season
ILL: There are seasons in relationships and changes that have to adjust. Just like there are seasons in nature, there are seasons in marriage. There is the spring of young love, the heat and passion of summer love, the maturity of fall love. Mary and I have been married 57 years. I am 77 years old, and we are in the winter of our marriage – that doesn't mean its cold; its like being together by a warm fireplace, comfortable and cozy.
- You have to keep the weeds (anger, jealousy, bitterness, wrong words) out of it
- You have to honor it by harvesting when it is ripe
- You have to honor it by serving it as a prepared dish
ILL: A hamburger or pizza is fine, but not when that's the way your marriage is presented. It should be like a romantic setting, and enjoyed slowly and beautifully.
Conclusion:
Now you will be blessed and your children blessed and fruitful as a result of a blessed marriage.
